In 1989, I returned home to Des Moines, Iowa from California to spend the summer after my first year in college. Within a week I came out to the crew of friends I had hung out with since junior high, except for one friend, The Marine, who had been delayed at his return home while he was finishing bootcamp. The reaction of my closest friends was warm and supportive. One of them even commented, “Jeez, I thought you were going to tell us something BAD.” Never again did I set a less than positive tone when coming out to anyone.

When The Marine arrived the week later, I struggled to tell him I was gay, mistakenly thinking that he would reject me. He was hotter than ever, muscular and full of confidence. But like the response of my other friends, he was genuinely happy for me and congratulated me on my courage. Within an hour of my coming out to him, he admitted to me that he was straight but had had sex with a man during his time at bootcamp. I was stunned and immediately smitten. From that moment on, for nearly the entire summer we spent almost all our time together.

Since he knew I was a swimmer and knew that I had done it many times before, he asked me to cut his hair for him. I buzzed his head for him several times that summer, keeping it short because he had to put in a couple weekends at the local reserves camp. Cutting his hair in my garage, having him sit at waist high in that chair, holding his head, breathing on his neck, pressing up against him, focussing intently so as to make the buzzcut as close to perfect as possible, were intensely erotic moments for me. To this day I still love cutting my friends’ and lovers’ hair, and it always turns me on.

The summer progressed and our friendship and camaraderie grew stronger. We were constantly wrestling, racing, sparring. Our friends noticed and commented but we didn’t care. It was really the first time in my life that I felt intimate with another man, the first time that I had the kind of friendship and validation from a man that I had always wanted. But as these things go, I wanted more. I fell in love with The Marine, and I feared that telling him would shatter the bond we had built.

The summer neared the end and I had made the decision to tell The Marine the truth: that I was in love with him and lusted after him. It was a warm, humid August evening in Iowa. We finished a night of partying with our friends and came back to my house to skinny dip in the pool and drink and smoke a little more. We swam and wrestled a bit in the pool. We got out and talked and felt each other’s bodies. In that moment of inebriation and erotic arousal, the secret and reality of what I had been feeling, what we had been doing, became too much for me to bear. I broke and admitted my feelings and desires to him.

The Marine didn’t feel the same way as me. He was straight. He didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. He thought of me as a brother, a comrade, a best friend. He did admit that we had an intimate relationship that meant something to him too, but just not what it had become to me. At that moment, the bond we had was indeed shattered. We moped around each other for the last weeks of summer. Our friends noticed and commented again asking what was going on, but we brushed it off. At the end of the season, everyone scattered away, returning to college or to travel. The Marine and I parted ways as good friends having looked back on many good times together. But nothing was ever like it was in the moment of that Great Summer.

A couple of years later I went on a road trip with my sister. I took advantage of that time to come out to her and ended up telling her the story of The Marine as part of relating what I had experienced of being gay up to that point. She listened quietly to the story and then shocked me by admitting that she had been secretly fucking The Marine that entire summer. Right then I knew for certain, for all that The Marine had insisted to me about how he was straight, the intimacy, companionship and friendship we had with each other was valued by him just as much as it had been for me.

I’ve lost touch with The Marine and I will always wonder how he really felt about it all and how he would reconcile the cognitive dissonant fact that he was bonding with me physically, athletically, emotionally, intellectually and at the same time sexually with my sister. Perhaps he really was like Jake, reveling in the camaraderie of our special bond, but just not capable of taking it as far as we would because we are gay. You are probably right that there was “something made sweeter by the boundary between us,” but I will continue to seek out that uncommon and rare affection that can only be made between two men.

My good friend Patrick Lee is having his first solo art show, opening today, April 22 from 6 - 8PM @ Ameringer, McEnery, Yohe Gallery in New York City, 525 West 22nd Street New York, NY 10011.

Patrick is displaying is photorealistic pencil drawings of thugs he has photographed and drawn. They are truly amazing in scale and detail.

The show runs from April 22 - May 28, 2010, so if you are in NYC, you should not miss it.

Parick Lee Art Opening

As a freelancer, its hard for me to express to others how real this is for me, or how this is literally a daily exercise. Enjoy!

Via Scofield Editorial via Russimal

You know, its about time… I was kinda waiting for this shoe to drop. I mean, come on… He’s “effete,” he’s “poised,” and according to gay-lover Sean Penn… he’s “elegant.” I love my gay president (but not in a gay-way) and we should all be so lucky to have a beard with such awesome arms.

via Frank

Dragging a Dead Deer up a Hill by Grouper

Silent Movie by Quiet Village

Street Horrrsing by Fuck Buttons

The Sea Horse Limbo by aMute

Fleet Foxes S/T by Fleet Foxes

Laula Laakson Kukista by Paavoharju

Saint Dymphna by Gang Gang Dance

Waaves S/T (Woodsist) by Waaves

Rest by Gregor Samsa

Mothertongue by Nico Muhly

Destroying Something Beautiful by Trancelike Void

Dømkirke by Sunn O)))

For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver (the reissue means it can be counted as a 2008 release)

Infinity Padlock (EP) by Nudge

Stainless Style by Neon Neon

Never Never Love by Pop Levi

Los Angeles by Flying Lotus

Skeletal Lamping by Of Montreal

The Ken Burns Effect by Stars like Fleas

Albums that don’t need anymore hyping:

Portishead/Girl Talk/M83/Beck/MGMT/TV on the Radio/Vampire Weekend/Sigur Rós/Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds/Hercules and Love Affair/Mogwai/CSS/Bloc Party/Death Cab for Cutie

Agree to disagree…

Tonight I stepped out of my building and it was one of those beautiful magical moments when the light of the day was receding and the city was transforming for nightfall. Peace, y’all.

I am proud and energized by the activism that has been ignited in my friends and community to speak out to win back our civil rights. My friends around me are awakened to a new power: joining groups, emailing friends and family, sending alert text messages and boycotting local businesses who supported Prop 8. Seeing the growing protests nearly every day since the election is amazing. Last weekend 12,500 people marched in Silverlake, 10,000 marched in San Diego, thousands in San Francisco, Long Beach, Sacramento and many other cites here in California. This is the way to bring our message to the people.

This Saturday is a coordinated national action that will take place simultaneously in over 80 cites across the country. Join the Impact and get out there to raise your voice in support of gay rights. I’ll be at city hall here in Los Angeles. Get off your ass and get out there… we must be heard!

Fight the H8!

Join the Impact National Protest for Gay Rights
November 15, 2008 @ 10:30a PT / 1:30p ET
jointheimpact.com 

Find your local rally here!

Check out Mike Skiff’s work here at thirdrailmedia.com.